Crushing Me

There's a certain feeling that was a faint part of me in high school. I don't really know how to explain it, but I'll surely try because what was a faint part of me in high school has grown to be a much more prominent part.

The only way I can really describe the feeling is like this:

It's as if my mind is being crushed.

squished.

trampled.

overwhelmed.

(quick pause so I can briefly admit my love for Ella Fitzgerald and all songs of that genre and era... I love Ella. I wish people still sang like that... maybe they do and I just don't know it.)

So my mind is going through this thing, we'll call the entire process "crush" for all intensive purposes, and it only happens when there is something that needs to get done. When crush is occurring, that thing that needs to get done, whether it be studying, taxes, my fiction story for writing class, or changing the oil in my car, is weighing down my brain as if it is a tangible object that actually takes up space. For clarity, the task is crushing my brain. I know it's not really, they never are. They're just thoughts like any other thing that takes up space in my mind... but when that thing needs to get done, I often think of nothing else.

For example, this is awful, but yesterday during church while Pastor Seth was giving his sermon in that very distinctive, eloquent style of public speaking, all I could think about were the many hours of final cut editing I had put off the whole weekend. What a freak, right? Yah, I know.

I wish I wasn't the kind of person who experienced crushing every time a big task is handed to me. Right now it's the assignment from the newspaper, a blank screen staring me straight in the face. I swear it's not even due to me thinking I can't complete it, it's due to my intimidation of the work I will inevitably put into it.

I get it's silly.

But this has always been apart of me- ever since I can remember. In 5th grade, Mrs. Johnson assigned us a book report and I remember feeling overwhelmed for the month that we had to complete it. It consumed my gosh darn thoughts! I get it's silly, believe me.

So anyway, being in college has allowed for many crushing moments, but the difference between then and now is that i have more trust. Like yesterday, when the time finally came for me to edit on Final Cut, I asked God to take that feeling away and by-golly he did. Instead of all that nonsensical consuming and crushing, all I could think of at that point was the song we sang at church:

"I hear the Savior say, 'thy strength indeed is small,

child of weakness, watch and pray, find in me thine all in all.'"

Even in times when I'm like a child, worried about the silliest things that honestly don't matter at all in the scheme of life, he reaches me. He always reaches me.