The following has nothing to do with my passions, my aspirations or any other forms of future-seeking expression. It's just me, right now I'm needing a space to be real.
Sometimes I feel put in a box by the people around me. Not often, but sometimes. I feel like there are certain reactions people have to what I have to say and even though they are not negative, it frustrates me. I'll be even realer right now, these "people" mean the souls that live in my house, that share a place of residency, that accompany me under one roof.
I'm a very busy person. I am involved with many different things and not a day goes by when I am not constantly thinking about something that has to get done. I don't want to seem like I am a stressed person or I am complaining about all the amazing ways that God keeps me busy and has bestowed blessing after blessing in my daily living. Obviously, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Just to shed some light on some of those blessings: I am a reporter for the Daily Barometer, the student-run newspaper at Oregon State, I am an ambassador of the College of Liberal Arts, I am a regularly-attending member and volunteer at Grace City Church, I am an employee at the Corvallis Boys and Girls Club, I am a full time student learning everything from the history of Spain to cinematography and somehow God has this comedic way of helping me maintain some of the most amazing friendships anyone could ask for.
Taking a step back and looking at the people and events the Lord lets me witness everyday helps me realize that Holy Moses! My life is just so perfectly laid-out for me, and no one else.
There are literally days when a story I am writing for the paper allows me to meet famous people and build a small relationship with them. Many times at work, I get to experience a relationship with a child who lives in a homeless shelter, and get inspired by her humor and manners and charm.
But after all of that is said and done and I come home every night at whatever hour, I frequently feel as if I have nothing to say because my room mates have heard all of it before. No matter how spirit-filled my day was, no matter whose presence God decided to bless me with, I feel like the reactions to my words are predictable and rarely heartfelt.
I'v never been the type to just bring up how lucky I am if nobody asks. Therefore, something has to be pretty damn fantastic for it to merit an out-of-the-blue proclamation. This may be an area of my life that needs work, but I much prefer talking about something if someone asks me about it. Therefore my point is, and I do have a point...somewhere...I just know it, that the last time one of my room mates whole-heartedly asked me about what's going on in my life or how the Lord has been working in me was a very, very long time ago.
Now, my dad's first reaction to this statement, indeed a very bold one since I love and care for the people I live with, would be "Do you ask them about what's going in their life, Joce?" The answer is yes, at least in my mind. Even if the answer were no, though, I'd have a reason behind it.
I feel put in a box! There is really no other way to describe it. When my house mate asks me how work was and I say something very honest like "Amazing, this kid trusted me enough to talk about his screwed up home life and his dying sister," their inevitable reaction is "Joc, that's awesome." When one of my house mates asks me about a really cool story I wrote for the paper, the moment I get into how much I enjoyed writing it is the same moment that reaction comes: "Joc, that's awesome."
Let me be clear and let it be said here that I am in no way seeking recognition or gratitude or praise for anything that I do. When it gets down to it, it truly is all God's doing. What I am seeking is sincerity. I want a real response that hasn't been used on me dozens of times. I don't want the how-I-respond-to-Joce-when-she's-excited-about-God reaction. Honestly, it's starting to bug me.
From this point on, since this is the first time I have expressed any sort of discontentment in this area of my life, I will be paying full attention to the way I react to people when they are telling me about what's happening in their life. I refuse to put people in a box by reacting to their emotions in a generic way. It took me an extremely long, wordy blog post to reach this conclusion. Thanks for stickin' it out with me, I would love prayer over my interactions with my house mates because they are meaningful to me.
On an ending note, I feel like I'm about to throw up because I think someone smoked in my room! The smell is almost unbearable and its the reason I am blogging instead of sleeping. That is all, good night. May the Lord bless you and keep you.
No comments:
Post a Comment