Crushing Me

There's a certain feeling that was a faint part of me in high school. I don't really know how to explain it, but I'll surely try because what was a faint part of me in high school has grown to be a much more prominent part.

The only way I can really describe the feeling is like this:

It's as if my mind is being crushed.

squished.

trampled.

overwhelmed.

(quick pause so I can briefly admit my love for Ella Fitzgerald and all songs of that genre and era... I love Ella. I wish people still sang like that... maybe they do and I just don't know it.)

So my mind is going through this thing, we'll call the entire process "crush" for all intensive purposes, and it only happens when there is something that needs to get done. When crush is occurring, that thing that needs to get done, whether it be studying, taxes, my fiction story for writing class, or changing the oil in my car, is weighing down my brain as if it is a tangible object that actually takes up space. For clarity, the task is crushing my brain. I know it's not really, they never are. They're just thoughts like any other thing that takes up space in my mind... but when that thing needs to get done, I often think of nothing else.

For example, this is awful, but yesterday during church while Pastor Seth was giving his sermon in that very distinctive, eloquent style of public speaking, all I could think about were the many hours of final cut editing I had put off the whole weekend. What a freak, right? Yah, I know.

I wish I wasn't the kind of person who experienced crushing every time a big task is handed to me. Right now it's the assignment from the newspaper, a blank screen staring me straight in the face. I swear it's not even due to me thinking I can't complete it, it's due to my intimidation of the work I will inevitably put into it.

I get it's silly.

But this has always been apart of me- ever since I can remember. In 5th grade, Mrs. Johnson assigned us a book report and I remember feeling overwhelmed for the month that we had to complete it. It consumed my gosh darn thoughts! I get it's silly, believe me.

So anyway, being in college has allowed for many crushing moments, but the difference between then and now is that i have more trust. Like yesterday, when the time finally came for me to edit on Final Cut, I asked God to take that feeling away and by-golly he did. Instead of all that nonsensical consuming and crushing, all I could think of at that point was the song we sang at church:

"I hear the Savior say, 'thy strength indeed is small,

child of weakness, watch and pray, find in me thine all in all.'"

Even in times when I'm like a child, worried about the silliest things that honestly don't matter at all in the scheme of life, he reaches me. He always reaches me.

Humbled.

Hello again, all. All meaning all those who don't read my blog, and of course hello to the one or two that do. I hope your lives since my last post have been full of adventure and pizazz. There's been plenty of time for it, as I haven't been on here in a solid couple months at least.

I don't even know where to begin on what's been going on in my life. I feel pretty dumb right now, though, because I'm writing as if I'm depriving countless readers of my personal information and endeavors, which of course is just not the truth. But I do feel pretty guilty that I haven't been as dedicated. This is all for my personal growth, is it not?

Anyway, back to me. I was reminded recently... actually COUNTLESS times recently... just how ridiculous I am. Sometimes after I've done something, I look back only seconds (sometimes hours, sometimes days) later and realize what a silly little child I am. And to think that sometimes I actually consider myself mature? Bah. Yah right.

Isn't it funny how wrapped up in ourselves we can get? Yes.

Isn't it strange that we're not praising our God every minute for the blessings that he has bestowed upon our lives? Yes... and yes.

A few weeks ago, my friend Steve Simpson and I decided it was time to make the best of our circle of Christian friends that dwell within the co-ops at OSU. So we decided to form a bible study, and when I say Bible Study I mean a 45 minute or so session in which some of my best friends gather together and talk about where we're at with God, how each of us can pray and help the others in whatever struggles we are facing, and (the very most important) realize just how lucky we are to have each other. This bunch that has joined together is a pretty diverse one indeed, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

We even, believe it or not, have one of my best buddies, Kyson Montague, who is a member of the LDS church (Mormon for those of you who don't follow) apart of the group. In our silly little human minds, we saw this as a way for us to "reach" Kyson and maybe somehow strip him of his Mormon ways... but honestly what has been happening every week since we started these get-togethers is that Kyson shares these amazing Christ-like words of wisdom and contributes comments to the conversation that are so valuable. He may be Mormon, but when Kyson is fellowshipping with us, he's learning and following and contributing as one of us. I am utterly humbled by his presence and can now honestly thank God for putting someone of such inspiring, new wisdom in our lives.

I've also recently become a member of a Bible study that happens on Tuesday nights in this lady's tiny apartment with around 15 other people. The hostess is names Swazy, a kind-hearted generous Thai woman with overflowing love for Jesus. Last night we met, and again, I was completely humbled. I went with the intention of sharing and "blessing" others with stuff I had learned in my daily devotions but was instead shown by God that I have some internal work that needs to be done. I was telling Steve about it a couple hours ago actually...

Joce walks into Bible study with a big mouth and closed ears; Joce leaves with tearful eyes and ears completely ready to listen. This is God's way of pouring cold water on my sleepy face.

Maaan, how is it that I so frequently forget to just shut up and listen? Is there no sweeter sound than his words... even if I'm hearing them through other people's mouths? Absolutely no sweeter sound in the world!

Some other news in my life: Braden DeWitt, bigger little brother of mine :), graduates high school in like a month. It's difficult to explain how amazing it will be to have him on the same continent with me again. I'm ready to pick up our best friendship where it left off when I graduated and left two years ago. He'll finally go from being my distant best friend to being just best friend all over again... I am just so stoked.

People usually tell him he's the better-looking one.

I tell them they're right but only because he can distort his face into

any shape or expression.

I scored an internship at the Keizer Times for this this summer a few weeks ago. I've already written one terribly intimidating feature story on storage unit auctions and plan on doing more in a couple weeks. I still can't believe that I landed this opportunity- obviously only by God's graces.

He has also provided me with the chance to coach a 5th grade girl's volleyball team for the Boys and Girls Club. Teaching and coaching these girls has definitely been... an experience. I think they're all at that age when they have learned that "No." can very easily become the most-used in their vocabularies.

Me: "Hey Carmen, will you please try to have a positive attitude?"

Carmen: "No."

Me: "Hey Kennedy, stop distracting your team mates while the other coach is talking."

Kennedy: "No."

...

Me: "%&*$#@^!&* DROP DOWN AND GIVE ME SIXTY-SEVEN PUSH-UPS!!!!"

Just kidding, that last line never happened, but the rest do... EVERY SINGLE PRACTICE. I'm learning the virtue of patience- slowly but surely.

Anyway, it's getting late and I must go clean the bathroom. I feel much better about myself now that I've gotten all that down on paper/keyboard. I hope my thousands of readers can now get a good night sleep knowing that I haven't forgotten about them.

On that most-likely failed attempt at sarcasm, good night to all! May the Lord bless you and keep you.

The Start of Springy-Dingy

It's been a while since I've just reflected on my life and how grand it is. So that's why I'm here... to reflect.

This week is finals week over here at Oregon State University. For a lot of people, these days are the bane of their existences. Studying, taking tests and studying s'mo! But not me! Most definitely not me. I'm fortunate enough to only have one final coming up tomorrow that is easy and the rest of the time to just... be a dweller of Corvallis.

Corvallis: a small town of about 55,000. Actually, allow me to rephrase. During the fall, winter and spring seasons, it is a town of around 55,000. During summer, when all those obnoxious college kids go home for break and a season at "home", the town loses half of it's tenants (somewhere around 20,000-ish). It's a town built on agricultural roots, but I would by no means call it a hick town because most of the people that live here all year-around are more on the hippie side. Which is just great!

I've recently been noticing the beauty of this town. As spring is well on it's way, the trees are starting to blossom and the streets are lined with pinks of every shade. It's really quite breath-taking. The many, many coffee shops have been packed the last few weeks- full of students who are preparing themselves for their deaths... I mean, finals and/or final projects. Yet, the atmosphere of all these quaint little cafes is more on the cheery side then miserable side.

Anyway, back to me being unshaken by this concept of finals week, I just wanted to share some of the fun times I've been lucky enough to have during the past few weeks. It amazes me the way that God has placed me in a place surrounded by such beautiful friends. Praise God.

We have the merriest of times right when we don't realize it.

The End.

"You and I" by Ingrid Michaelson

don't you worry, there my honey
we might not have any money
but we've got our love to pay the bills

maybe I think you're cute and funny,
maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you,
if you know what I mean

Oh, let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the South of France
let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters
and teach them how to dance
let's get rich and build our house on a mountain
making everybody look like ants
from way up there, you and I, you and I


well you might be a bit confused
and you might be a little bit bruised
but baby how we spoon like no one else
so I will help you read those books
if you will soothe my worried looks
and we will put the lonesome on the shelf

oh let’s get rich and buy our parents homes in the South of France
let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters
and teach them how to dance
let's get rich and build our house on a mountain
making everybody look like ants
from way up there you and I, you and I

oh, let’s get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters
and teach them how to dance
let's get rich and build our house on a mountain
making everybody look like ants
from way up there you and I, you and I

(picture from pastemagazine.com)

Kristopher.

What I am listening to: Hello Seattle by Owl City... for the 5th time in a row.

There's this guy, Kristopher, who walks around the concepts of McNary. As an employee myself in one of those concepts, I see Kris a lot. In fact I think he works clean-up crew 20+ hours a week, which is unheard of for McNary employees. Really unheard of. The thing about this guy is that he's very quiet. Probably shy as well, but definitely quiet. He has really droopy eyes, poor posture and a frown to go with his solemn (and of course quiet) voice. But something about him gave me the green light, so now I consider us friends. Not the type of friends that gab all day and go everywhere together, but the type of friends who seem to have an unspoken understanding that each would stand up for each other if such a need ever arose.

I think other people see him as "slow" but I know better.

Once I heard Kris have a conversation with no one in-particular (broom in hand) about the components of a computer. At least that's what I think I heard out of his mumbles. That... and that he built one himself. Ladies and Gents, "slow" is not the right description for my friend Kristopher.

It always feels good when Kris nods a hello in my direction in the early mornings as I work the cash register at Boardwalk. It's kind of like I'm one of the few who he lets into his own space in the universe from time to time.

In my opinion, God spent a little more time on my friend Kristopher.

A weekend AWAY.

Sometimes I forget to thank God for the amazing people he's placed in my life. Among those are three girls who within the last few months have honestly become my best friends. And if it were mathematically correct to say this, I would suggest they are my better halves... but it's not mathematically correct. In fact, I'm not mathematically correct.

Selah, Rach, T and I went to Lincoln City for a weekend away. We left on Friday afternoon and spent two nights in Selah's grandmother's beach house (she goes by Dabi, and don't any of you forget it.) It was beautiful. We spent the first night doing what a lot of TV-deprived girls do best: claimed spots on the living room couches and watched movies and TV shows into the wee hours of the night. We didn't fall asleep however until we had all gotten some reading in- we are all very studious after all. The next morning we woke up at what felt like the crack of dawn to Jack Johnson's "Better Together".

At times, all it takes is someone else's words for you to realize something. Yes, Jack. You had it right when you said, "It's always better when we're together." With these girls and the direction my life has seemed to take, those words could not be truer.

So anyhow, we woke up early so Selah could catch the tide at this one spot in Newport so she could spend a few hours surfing and we could spend a few hours bonding underneath a blanket in the rain... because of course when it comes to surfing the rest of us are plain ignorant fools. We got then returned home for some leftovers and a sad movie, dinner at Moe's and yet another movie. What can I say... we had a craving and we needed to fulfill it.

What came next is something I probably shouldn't share with the whole world, but here goes: An hour of dancing and random work-outs that resulted in every one of us being sore today.. sad? You decide.

So we were homeward bound this morning after we woke up to the beautiful Oregon coastal weather ever. So beautiful in fact, we decided to make our ways down to the beach to bask in God's magnicence, and read his word. This life-changing session was interrupted by the realization that we had locked the house keys in... and there was no way to enter. So the four of us spent 40 minutes digging through dirt around the house for the spare key. We found it, needless to say. (Those 40 minutes were greatly needed, mind you, so that we would all stop to realize that NOTHING ever works out the way we want it to.)

I may have learned a few things over this past weekend (i.e. how you should always pay attention when writing in the beach sand with a stick to avoid wet sneaker) but the most monumental of them all is that I should never forget to thank God for these wonderful girls that have been so strategically placed in my life. I love them so much.



OH.. and PS. Today, Sunday January 31st, 2010, is a ground-breaking day because I finished my first Spanish novel for my 315 class. May that book be set on fire so that I never have to deal with it again. Seriously, my life is back.

Haiti. Haiti.

Yet another disastrous situation has hit our tiny little world and it has seem to come out on top... but they always do at first.

I was at the gym this morning when I heard the news about the devastating earthquake that happened in Haiti. Yes, Haiti. As in the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere? Yes. That Haiti. The country that just underwent one of the most horrifying natural disasters in human history.

My room mates and I sat in front of the laptop screen listening to CNN's report on how the death toll has hit more than 100,000 and is not stopping there.

Selah, one of my three room mates has an adopted Haitian brother, so one can only imagine the hysterics taking place in our room as we watched- powerlessly- as the number of those affected gradually got bigger.

It's amazing how small I feel in times like these. As four girls with willing hearts, we felt unable to do A THING. Sure, we donated money. And we prayed. We prayed for God to hear the words of four college girls who have compassion for this poor country because there was nothing else we could to.

Rachel and Tiara talked about how there must be something good coming from all this because God wouldn't turn on the world like that. He has a plan. How his plan involves 100,000+ deaths in a country that already had nothing is far beyond the capacity of my brain. But he's got it.

Haiti, God's got you. You're in our hearts.